I Am Not!
by dead drifter
Summary: Each Akatsuki gives us a moment of their time to rant and rave about something that they most definitely are NOT. And yet…maybe they really ARE.
1. I Am NOT a Girl, Un!

**I Am Not! **

**Chapter 1: I Am NOT a Girl, Un!**

* * *

A blond, effeminate…person…walks up onto the stage carrying a microphone, a single spotlight shining down on the…person's…long, golden locks.

A single blue eye, rimmed with black mascara, peers out angrily at the audience of fangirls and fanboys, who are all DYING to know…

Is Deidara a Girl or a Boy?

"God damn it, un! I got topless for you in the manga, wasn't it obvious then that I'm a man, un!"

"Seriously! Un…shit, I'm starting to talk like Hidan…" Deidara mumbles, before looking back out at the audience again and pointing accusingly at the sea of faces.

"Why do people ALWAYS ask me if I'm a girl? It's RUDE, un! There are other much more girly characters in this Yaoi Paradise of a Manga!

Look at Zabuza's bitch, un! He even DRESSED like a girl! I wear PANTS! And…and…just look at my eyebrows! They're kind of thick, like a man's eyebrows are SUPPOSED to be! I look like Link from Zelda, un!

Being a blond with long hair doesn't make me a transvestite! And having a speech impediment doesn't make me feminine either! Uuuun! NO I don't do it to be cute! It just comes out, un? Like that Naruto brat and his 'datte bayo' hick Japanese crap, only I'm nothing like him either! Un!"

Deidara pauses to catch his breath, wiping at his sweating forehead.

"And another thing, un! I don't use the mouths on my hands for inappropriate…things! Un!"

Deidara stalks away, handing Sasori the mike as he passes.

* * *

**A/N: Next chapter is Sasori! And then...Itachi, Kisame, Konan, Pein, Zetsu, Tobi, Hidan and last but definitely not least, Kakuzu! Fun! Tell me what you think, okay? **


	2. I Am NOT a Sex Toy!

**I Am Not!**

**Chapter 2: I Am NOT a Sex Toy!

* * *

**

Sasori glared out at the audience, which was, for the most part, still laughing at Deidara.

"Ahem, are you done now? I'd like to get this over with!"

His icy stare just wasn't very scary when he wasn't in Hiruko. Sasori sighed and waited for the guffaws and cackles and snickers to stop.

"Finally. I'd just like to say that first off, I am not a ten year old boy, and no, I was NEVER sexually assaulted by Orochimaru. Honestly, people, he was after Itachi. Not me."

Sasori happened to lock eyes with just that same snaky old man, who had scored a front row seat and was flicking his tongue out as only Orochimaru can.

Sasori quickly looked away, shifting uncomfortably under the bright lights.

"Um…yeah. I'm a puppet, and I have no sexual drive whatsoever. I do NOT do perverse things with furniture polish AKA Pledge, and I most certainly do NOT let Deidara practice his ventriloquist act on me!

"You people need to be stopped! I do NOT have a collection of special…attachments for sexual pleasure! I do NOT make sex dolls of any kind….and most of all…"

Sasori takes a moment to sweep his prettily angry brown eyes around the room…

"I am NOT a sex toy, damn it!"

The crowd, as one, stood up and whooped and whistled. The very fact that Sasori, the eternally sexy puppet with the shock of blood red hair, had said 'sex toy' had sent every fangirl in the audience into an uproar.

"OMG he said sex toy! EEEEE!"

"Sh, maybe he'll say "puppet porn" next. I'll simply DIE!"

Sasori rolled his eyes and twirled on his heel, stalking away.

Deidara happened to be standing there right at the edge of the stage, and he was grinning wickedly at the puppet.

"What?" Sasori asked as he handed the microphone to the next member, Itachi, who had to grope for the mike twice before he finally found it.

"Sasori no Danna, un! Why did you lie to the public, hm?"

Sasori's eyes widened.

"I don't know what you're talking about!"

"Ha ha ha, Danna, you're funny, un!"

"Hey, put me down!" Sasori yelped as Deidara slung the puppet over his shoulder and ran off, giggling like mad.

Deidara planned on making good use of his Danna and his…attachments…

* * *

**A/N: Itachi next! He had to grope for the mike cuz he can't see it! And if you don't understand the comment about the Pledge...you have not lived! Go read one of my other humor stories! **


	3. I Am NOT Blind!

**I Am Not!**

**Chapter 3: I Am NOT Blind! **

* * *

Itachi got to the center of the stage, and stared stonily in the wrong direction (as in, the set instead of the crowd XD).

"I have heard rumors that people are under the impression that I am blind. This is certainly not true. I am NOT blind! Why, I can see all of you perfectly fine. With my Sharingan, I can even see your chakra."

Kisame suddenly ran onto the stage and leaned over to whisper "You're turned the wrong way" into Itachi's ear. Itachi stood there frozen for a moment, and then nodded.

"Ah…"

Itachi turned around the right way, and glared stonily at the crowd, which this time, could actually see him do it.

Kisame looked nervously out at the sea of fangirls and fanboys, and rushed back off the stage.

A few people requested fish sticks. No one got any.

"I have also heard other rumors…much more unpleasant. One states that I am sexually assaulting my own brother. Foolish fangirls…I am NOT an incestual homosexual man. I am completely devoid of any sexual urges whatsoever. Uchihas don't fuck, to put it simply."

"I thought it was 'Uchihas don't joke!'" one fanboy asked (who was really just Orochimaru disguised as a random boy the snake had killed prior to the show).

"Yes…that is ALSO true. I have no sense of humor, because humor is a sign of weakness."

There was a long pause, in which people coughed, muttered other rude rumors about the Uchiha, or shifted uncomfortably in their seats.

"While we're on the subject of my sex life, I would like to clear up another rumor. I most definitely do NOT abuse animals or partake in bestiality. I do NOT enjoy quote unquote "water aerobics" and I have NEVER suffered a shark bite. In short, I am NOT fucking Kisame."

The crowd burst into laughter as one, and Itachi sighed dramatically.

Someone requested fish sticks again. Sadly, they were denied yet again.

"I believe that is all I have to say. Now I'll give this mike to Kisame, and if you make him cry, I will hurl you into your own personal hell, and I assure you…you will NOT survive it."

Itachi started walking the wrong way, tripped over the mike cord, and toppled off of the stage and into the crowd.

Fans started to tear at the Uchiha with their grab happy claws until Kisame came to the rescue, swinging his Samehada around like a stoned ape with a baseball bat.

* * *

A/N: Yeah...SURE you aren't into Uchihacest or bestiality, Itachi! Suuuure...next is Kisame, of course! What does he claim that he definitely is NOT? Wait, and you shall see! 


	4. I Am NOT a Fish!

**Chapter 4: I Am NOT a Fish!

* * *

**

Kisame rescued Itachi and sat him in his chair in the back of the stage. When he came back out, holding the mike, he glared out at the crazed crowd with angry little beady eyes.

"Before I rant about what I am NOT, I would like to say something to all of you fangirls out there. You're all fucking insane! Leave all of us alone! Last week, someone sent me a fish bowl wearing used panties! I will not have this anymore!"

"We love you 'Same-kun!" a quartet of fangirls said, holding up an old Jaws film poster. Kisame shook his head in disgust, sighing.

"I am SO sick of that Jaws joke…let me tell you people, I may look somewhat like it…but I am NOT a fish! These lines under my eyes are not gills! It was a bad joke, okay? Zabuza drew this shit on my face with a Sharpie when I was sleeping off a hangover one day, alright?"

Suddenly, a door in the back of the room burst open, and a chibi spouting obscenities ran in a zig zag pattern through the rows of seats and leapt catlike onto the stage. She grinned maniacally up at Kisame, who blinked down at her, shocked by her eerie fangirl-ness. When she grabbed him in a bone crushing hug, Kisame snapped out of it.

"Security!" Kisame bellowed, and the Konoha Anbu barged in, seizing the crazed fangirl and strapping her into a straight jacket.

"NO! NOOOOOO!" she cried as she was dragged away. When she was thrown out, Kisame coughed.

"Uh…yeah…where was I?"

"I heard you got banned from the beach!" someone yelled out. Kisame blushed.

"It wasn't my fault! That stupid dolphin was starting shit, alright?"

Someone requested fish sticks. For the third damned time.

"Damn you people and your fish sticks! I am NOT a fish, I do NOT read National Geographic magazines or Fisherman's Digest as if they were porn, and I certainly do NOT watch Shark Week religiously! Fuck!"

Another pause. Someone requested reenactments from "Finding Nemo." The Samehada soared through the air, promptly shaving off that obnoxious audience member's head.

Kisame caught his Samehada as it returned to his hand, and pointed it warningly at the crowd.

"Anyone else want any requests?"

Crickets chirped. A half black, half white tumbleweed rolled across the stage.

"That's what I thought. Hm…I think I ranted about the fish thing enough…I guess I'm done then."

Kisame turned to leave, but another fangirl ran up to him holding out a bowl.

"Look, Kisa-chan, I made you shark fin soup!"

Kisame paled as he stared at it, recognizing the fin.

"Oh my God…Uncle Dave!" Kisame cried in horror, sobbing as he ran off to the side of the stage.

Itachi stumbled back out, holding a kunai in his hand, Mangekyou Sharingan activated.

"I TOLD you people not to make him cry…" Itachi said darkly, and started throwing weapons in all directions.

* * *

**A/N: Yeah…I sort of included ThiefSuzy in this…she's the girl that got put in a straight jacket. And I sort of included something Nekokyuurei said in his review…sort of…heh…but I'm giving him credit for the beach thing, okay?**

**Next chapter is Konan! "I Am NOT a Piñata!" (Among other things )**

**Oh, and no more requests to be in this story! If you want to be written into one of my stories, go to the garage sale! Someone needs to buy the Gumby mailbox! That would be fun! (Advertising one story in another one…shameful! XP)**


	5. I Am NOT a Piñata!

**I Am Not! **

**Chapter 5: I Am NOT a Piñata!**

**A/N: Nekokyuurei suggested the paper skin to roll her cigarettes. Pein is next after Konan! Yay! I am definitely open to suggestions about Pein's chapter…it's hard to make him and Konan funny for me. DON'T give me any more suggestions for Kakuzu and Hidan. I got it ALL under control.**

* * *

The Anbu managed to put Itachi in a straight jacket and threw him in the back of the stage next to Kisame, who was whimpering off in the corner about 'Uncle Dave Soup.' Konan managed to wrench the microphone from the straight jacket and walked out to face the crowd, already puffing on a cigarette. 

She glared at the audience, adjusting the origami flower in her hair.

"WE LOVE YOU KONAN!!" some fanboys yelled, holding up a giant paper doll in Konan's likeness. It wouldn't have been so bad, but the fanboys had neglected to dress the doll. Konan inhaled from her cancer stick and blew the smoke out of her nose slowly, her eyes narrowed, mouth in a set line, willing herself not to slice the boys to ribbons with paper kunai.

"I will pretend I didn't see that. For your safety. But in the future, if you wish to demonstrate your love for me with a paper doll, PUT SOME FUCKING CLOTHES ON THAT THING! I can't believe some of you…I'm just glad that I'm not a guy. Then I'd have to deal with being paired with all kinds of idiots. It's bad enough I get paired with Pein. He's got six bodies, and all of them are horny as hell and about as intelligent as Kisame's Samehada."

Konan flicked her ashes on the floor, took another puff, and continued on.

"And why do people think I use my own paper skin to roll my cigarettes? That's just sick. Trust me, Kakuzu's suggested it, saying it'd save the organization at least eighty bucks a week. You know what happened to him after that? He was in so many fucking pieces it took him a week just to sew himself back together. Never suggested such a thing ever, EVER again."

Konan finished her cigarette, threw it on the polished wooden floor, stamped it out with her heel, and pulled out a pack of Newport 100's. She grabbed one of the cigarettes with her teeth, lit it with a match and inhaled slowly.

"Aaaah…where was I? Oh yes. I am sick and tired of being called a dike. Just because I don't have eyebrows and I hang out with a bunch of guys doesn't mean I THINK I am one of the guys! And NO, I am not the Akatsuki house keeper! I don't do anyone's laundry, wash dishes, cook, clean or any of that housewife shit! I'm the second in command in the Akatsuki, I don't have to do a God damned thing!"

Konan started to walk up and down the stage, seething, a trail of ashes flowing behind her. She paused to point her cigarette angrily at the crowd.

"I just remembered…one of you boneheads hunted me down before the show and had the fucking BALLS to ask me if I ever transformed into a Piñata for Tobi's birthday parties. Want to know what happens when you ask me shit like that? Take a look at the asshole, he's sitting next to Kakashi in the third row!"

Everyone looked around and finally spotted the 'fanboy' sitting next to Kakashi. It was Iruka, and he was all bandaged up.

"See that fucker? That scar on his nose isn't from a fight. It's from a paper cut. So what did we learn, boys and girls and Iruka? That I am NOT a Pinata!" Konan howled.

Echoing silence.

Konan threw the microphone down and made an exit by turning into sheets of paper and flying out the exit.


	6. I Am NOT a Man!

**I Am Not!**

**Chapter 6: I Am NOT a Man!**

**A/N: ****xcupidxstuntx gave me the idea for the massive piercing with skin and hair on it thing (READ her story "Sanctuary" damn it!) & dark-emo-gal suggested the stuff with Pein not being a pedophile. Ooh there were other ideas I should have included but didn't...damn...Nekokyuurei suggested the whole "I am God" thing, and I THINK that's it. If I forgot something, let me know! **

**Next chapter is ZETSU, not Tobi, but Tobi happened to be the one to get the microphone. He'll hand it over to Zetsu. OMG Zetsu's chapter will be fun, because of the split personality. **

**

* * *

**Pein walked calmly out on the stage and looked down at the microphone. He bent to pick it up, and when he did, someone blew a raspberry, and everyone in the audience burst into laughter. Pein snapped back up and glared. 

"WHO DID THAT?!"

No answer. Pein took a deep breath and let it go. He began to talk.

"I am the Leader of the Akatsuki, and—"

Someone coughed, LOUDLY, and Pein paused.

"Anyone got something to say?" More silence. Pein cleared his throat.

"AS I was saying, before I was rudely interrupted, I'm Leader, I refer to myself as Pein, but no one is allowed to call me that but Konan. I tried to get everyone to call me God, but no one believes me. So, I must tell all of you, both fans and fellow co workers, that I am NOT a man!"

Pein's voice echoed in the still theatre, crickets chirped, people coughed and sneezed, a baby cried and someone audibly scratched their crotch.

"Um, _what_?" one person asked, while another cried out "OMFG you're a WOMAN?!!"

The orange haired man sighed.

"NO, I'm not a woman, and I'm not a puppet or any other weird thing you people may be thinking. No, I'm not a man. I am more than a man. I am, in short, GOD."

"Fuck you, man!" a hippy AKA Asuma cried, getting up out of his chair and shaking his fist. He took a drag of his…cigarette…(riiiiight) and started ranting about the Viet Suna war. Kurenai grabbed Asuma by the hand and dragged him out of the building before he embarrassed himself further.

"Yes, as shocking as it may seem, I am God. I am the one who will deliver this world from pain and suffereing. I am the one who will…"

"Hey, Leader-sama, un! It's supposed to be about what you are NOT, not what you…uh…think you ARE…" Deidara whispered from the curtain.

Pein glared, but he nodded.

"Fine…I would like to point out to all of you that I am certainly NOT just a massive piercing with hair and skin on it. Someone called me that once. That hurts, it really does. Just because my name is Pein doesn't mean I like pain. Alright? And something else…

Ah, I've been referred to as the Akatsuki Pimp Daddy. I assure you, I am NOT a Pimp, nor am I a pedophile. The Akatsuki are NOT my children, sex slaves or man whores.

I am NOT a drug addict or a pusher for Candy Cane Crack. I don't even know what that stuff is…"

Pein absentmindedly pulled a candy cane out of his pocket and popped it in his mouth. He swept his strange, rippled eyes around the audience, daring anyone to say something. He slid the candy out of his mouth and pointed it randomly, licking his lips. Fangirls swooned in their seats. Lucky for them, Konan wasn't there to gouge their eyes out.

"Hm…I think that covers everything, so…" Pein trailed off as his other five bodies suddenly ran out onto the stage, Tobi trailing behind them, looking frantic.

"TOBI! WHAT ARE THE REST OF ME DOING HERE?!" Pein bellowed, his candy cane dropping to the floor and breaking. It was a sad sight.

"Tobi brought them for the ride, Tobi told them to stay in the van, but Pein, Pein, Pein, Pein and Pein had to go pee, so Tobi let them out…and…"

"Yeah…great. Whatever. Fatty, get everyone back in the van. NOW. We'll all go out for ice cream after this horrible mistake is done and over with."

Five Peins cheered for joy, and one of them, Pony Tail Pein, ran forward and hugged Pein the Leader around the waist.

"Can we bring the ice cream up in the attic at home, hm?"

Six Peins blushed, and the audience squealed.

"PEIN CHAIN!" someone yelled, and soon, everyone was chanting it. Pein gripped the microphone tightly, his Rinnegan eyes seeming to burn with fury.

"I do NOT have sex with my other selves! How DARE you pervert God?!"

Pein stalked off, Pony Tail Pein clinging to his arm, the other Peins following behind, all of them still blushing. Pein the leader thrust the microphone into Tobi's hands and he and his other selves went outside to sit in the van…the phrase Pein Chain repeating in all six of Pein's minds…


	7. I Am NOT a Plant!

**I Am Not!**

**Chapter 7: I Am NOT a Plant! **

**A/N: SO sorry for not updating in so long. There is, uh, a small snippet of dialogue from chapter 395 of the manga. Bold face is used for Zetsu's dark half. **

**Beta'd by Eva Amaranth! **

* * *

Tobi started to walk towards the stage as Pein had given the mike to him, but Zetsu followed, grumbling to himself.

"**It's my turn next,"** Zetsu growled.

"Let Tobi go, he already has the mike."

"**No, he can go after us. He has to hold the mike for us anyway."**

"Why is that, Zetsu?" Tobi asked as they walked out onto the stage, under the blinding lights.

A cheering crowd greeted them. Tobi waved, jumping up and down excitedly, and dropped the microphone. Tobi quickly picked it back up and it emitted a piercing squeal. Everyone covered their ears and groaned. Someone booed.

Tobi put the microphone up to his eye hole and somehow breathed into it. There was more distorted noise.

"Testing! One Two…uh, one…two…"

"Three," Zetsu finished for Tobi, sighing and rolling his eyes to the ceiling.

"Tobi, hold the mike for me, will you?"

"Why?"

"Because I have no arms, and Leader wasn't kind enough to provide us with wireless microphones."

"Oh."

Zetsu glared at the sea of anxious faces and began to talk into the microphone. Tobi, who was holding it, had to stand on tip toe.

"I am not a science experiment gone wrong. I am not…"

"ALOE VERA!" a young, yet gravelly voice roared in the audience.

The spotlight focused on a young blond boy, pointing and squinting at Zetsu.

"Aloe Vera?"

"**Just ignore him**," Zetsu's dark half said.

A pink haired girl stood up next, shaking her fist at the boy.

"Naruto, you idiot!" she cried and smashed that fist right on top of his head, rendering the blond idiot unconscious.

The spot light illuminated Zetsu's checkerboard face once more, he cleared his throat, and went on.

"I am not an…Aloe Vera…I am not the long lost cousin of Seymore from 'Little Shop of Horrors,' and I most certainly am not a voyeur, though I do have the ability to be one."

"What's a voyeur?" Tobi inquired with a cute cock to his masked head.

"Someone who watches people have sex."

Tobi murmured a soft 'Oh.'

"I am not a fly trap slash Oreo hybrid—"

"What's sex?"

"Remember yesterday in the greenhouse?"

"Yeah!" Tobi said happily, nodding his head, "Zuzu said he was hungry, and Tobi was on the menu—"

"**That's enough!"**

Tobi fell silent. The crowd, at least all the ZetsuTobi fangirls, roared with laughter and squealed with delight. A venomous glare from Zetsu quieted the entire theater.

"Ahem. I am not an overgrown weed, a vegetable on steroids, a Miracle Grow addict, nor am I a free source of fertilizer. I am not capable of undergoing photosynthesis, as that is a process used by plants to manufacture food. On a side note, though I have a fly trap encasing the upper half of my body, I do not eat flies. I eat people, so I am, indeed, a cannibal.I am NOT possessed, nor do I have a dual personality."

"**Of course you don't,"** Zetsu's black half said with a chuckle.

"Be quiet chocolate cookie."

"**I don't think so, cream filling."**

Zetsu sweat dropped on both sides of his face, then continued on.

"As we all know, a psychological test is given to all new recruits of the Akatsuki. I will have you all know that I passed with flying colors," Zetsu said proudly.

"That's because no one was brave enough to tell you that you failed," Tobi blurted with a giggle.

Zetsu stared at Tobi with his gold eyes bulging, his mouth slack.

"WHAT?" both sides roared at once. Tobi jumped.

"_Eep!"_

Tobi dropped the microphone and ran for it. Zetsu chased after Tobi, gnashing his teeth and arguing with himself over which piece of Tobi would taste best.

"Kisame," Pein snapped from the sidelines.

The shark nin came forward and blasted Zetsu with a stream of water. The plant man fled before him, because all child humping, man eating house plants fear vomit water.


	8. I Am NOT a Good Boy!

**I Am Not!**

**Chapter 8: I Am NOT a Good Boy!**

**A/N: This sort of broke my writer's block…though I don't know if it turned out that great. Oh well. :P Next is Hidan, then Kakuzu, then a bonus chapter to wrap things up! **

* * *

When Kisame had effectively chased Zetsu away with his 'vomit water,' Tobi took to the stage, swinging the mike around. Once in the center, Tobi cocked his head in an impossibly cute way.

"Hi, everyone!" Tobi said brightly, waving and bouncing on the balls of his feet.

"Hi, Tobi!" the crowd called back.

"Figures he'd be good with people, un," Deidara said, scowling.

"It's his bubbly personality. People are drawn to it brat," Sasori said.

"I thought you two were screwing around in the men's room?" Kisame asked.

"WE WERE NOT SCREWING!" Sasori and Deidara said as one. The shark nin sweat dropped.

"Eh…right."

"Be quiet and watch a mastermind at work," Pein said. Everyone behind stage looked at the leader.

"I mean…just shut up," Pein blurted, and pointed to Tobi. The rest of Akatsuki followed his finger where the bumbling idiot was swaying on the balls of his feet.

"Zetsu says that Tobi is a good boy," the masked moron said, "but I have a secret."

Tobi's voice dropped several octaves and he leaned forward. The crowd held its breath, everyone on the edge of their seats.

"Tobi…is NOT a good boy."

The crowd gasped as one. Someone stood up.

"NO! Tobi is always a good boy!" a fangirl cried in disbelief.

"Unless he's raping the transvestite," a fanboy muttered to his friend.

"I HEARD THAT UN!" Deidara snarled, stomping out onto the stage. Sasori pulled the infuriated blond back with a sigh.

"Tobi is not a good boy, you see, because he steals candy out of Deidara-senpai's junk drawer when he's not looking…"

"WHAT? Tobi you asshole!"

Tobi jumped upon hearing his senpai yell. But Pein urged him on so Tobi kept talking, striding across the stage with the microphone pressed against his eye hole.

"Tobi has more things to say too! Tobi is NOT wearing a deflated basketball on his head! And it's not a pumpkin or a lollipop either! That's silly!"

The masked nin stopped and stared down at the floor. Scuttling along the wood was a little bug. Tobi let out a high pitched scream and ran in a circle, flailing his arms.

"AAAAGH!"

"Someone help him," Pein sighed, looking at the group crowded around him.

"Fuck that shit! Let the moron make a fool of himself!" Hidan spat.

"But he's wasting our time," Sasori said, watching the masked idiot run in circles like a dog trying to catch its own tail.

An unlikely hero, however, came up on the stage: Shino gently picked up the insect and it perched atop his forefinger.

"It's a pill bug. It won't hurt you," Shino murmured.

Tobi stopped and walked towards the Aburame kid. Shino held the bug up to him and he jumped backwards.

"Ew, gross!"

Shino sighed and got off the stage, slinking back to his seat and radiating emo waves.

"Tobi, get on with it, un!" Deidara hissed from the side.

"Oh…right…Tobi…Tobi is NOT a good boy!"

"You already said that!" Kisame whispered.

"Tobi…is…um, oh yeah! Tobi is not Obito!"

Kakashi, who was a few rows behind Shino, jumped to his feet.

"You're not? Then why did I have to turn chibi for that Kakashi Gaiden special?"

"Tobi is NOT Obito, you silly perv! And…Tobi is not Kakashi's gay lover!"

Tobito theorists cried in dismay, all their plans foiled.

"Tobi is also not mentally retarded, severely disfigured or deranged! Tobi is not a child trapped in a man's body! Tobi thinks that's mean! Tobi is NOT Zetsu-san's uke or senpai's seme!"

"Damn right," Deidara said, smirking at Sasori.

Zetsu's head sprouted out of the stage, his gold eyes oddly shiny.

"Doesn't Tobi love his Zu Zu?"

"Kisame," Pein said, and the shark nin begrudgingly chased Zetsu away with a blast of water.

"Tobi is NOT Madara either."

'Tobi is Madara' theorists, at least those that kept up with the manga, scratched their heads in confusion.

"Who the fuck's Madara?" Hidan asked.

"Ahem," Itachi cleared his throat, slipping on his bifocals and pulling a long scroll out of thin air, "he's my great, great, great, great, great…"

"Friend of the family," Konan answered, talking over Itachi.

"When did you get here?" Sasori asked the kunoichi. Konan smirked at the puppet.

"Have fun screwing around in the men's bathroom?

"WE WEREN'T SCREWING UNNNN!" Deidara howled.

"Tobi isn't Madara, and Tobi isn't the real leader of Akatsuki! That would make Tobi a liar and OOC, and Tobi is NOT that either!"

"What the fuck is that idiot talking about?" Hidan hissed, looking to Pein for answers.

"I really have no idea. I think he's about done, it's your turn, so…knock 'em dead!" Pein said, nudging Hidan forward.

"Fuck, alright!"

"Can Tobi go home now?" Tobi asked, cocking his head.

"Hey…pst. Tobi," someone hissed in the front row.

"Yes?" Tobi answered. Orochimaru appeared near the stage, holding out an assortment of…

"Want some candy?" the snaky man offered. Tobi cheered and started to grab the sweets.

"Yay Tobi loves candy!"

Orochimaru grabbed hold of Tobi and ran off with him, the microphone falling to the stage floor. The Akatsuki watched the pedophile haul Tobi away.

"Someone should go rescue him," Pein said halfheartedly. No one did.


	9. I Am NOT a Priest!

**I Am Not!**

**Chapter 9: I am NOT a Priest!**

**A/N: Kay, sorry for the long wait, I will probably finish this story, but the other Naruto stories I may, unfortunately, have to put on hiatus. I'm just not into it much anymore. Kishimoto killed my Akatsuki hard-on with his shit, so now I'm obsessed with Bleach. No flames for Bleach, please. **

**Oh, Rahab's Rehab provided me with this suggestion: ****For Hidans one line can be "I don't use the blood/curse seal in order to jack  
off on myself and torture others by ramming my pike up my ass! (thinking to  
himself.."Oh Shikamaru...I have a surprise for you...;))**

**I didn't end up using those exact lines, but I shall still give credit where credit is due! Unless I forget. :P**

**Unbeta'd, so hopefully there aren't any really bad errors. **

* * *

Hidan stalked onto the stage and picked the microphone up. He looked out at the audience, and promptly gave it the finger.

"I know I'm a sexy bitch, but you fans can go to hell! Quit idolizing me and worship someone who can actually save your sorry asses! Like Jashin-sama! Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with all of you? Just because I'm an eternally youthful, well sculpted, gorgeous, attractive man doesn't mean…"

"Hidan. Quit the bullshit and get on with it. I gotta go collect a bounty in ten minutes," Kakuzu growled from the sidelines. Hidan flicked his partner off and swept a hand through his hair.

"Fine, I gotta rush, so Stitches can wack some nut job and jack off to the million ryous he's gonna get."

"Not just a million ryous…_ten_ million ryous."

"Fuck, I get it! Anyway, I got some real juicy shit to tell you all. You think I'm this high and mighty religious nut, and well…shit, I guess I am, but…I AM NOT A PRIEST."

"What?" a random audience member said in shock. "What did you just say, Hidan? What do you _mean_?"

"I _said_, I am NOT a priest. That so hard to get through your thick fucking head? Geez. Anyway, I'm also not a Jashin's Witness, a missionary, your long lost father, Skeletor, the Grim Reaper, a human voodoo doll, your secret admirer, your fuck buddy, Deidara's seme, or Tentacles's uke. Seriously, I don't fuck anyone. Especially ugly old fucks like him."

Hidan jutted his middle finger at Kakuzu, who cracked his knuckles sinisterly.

"I am not the first choice for the priest in the movie The Exorcist. Oh, and for the record, I am NOT capable of casting out demons, poltergeists, ghouls, termites, your worthless basement dwelling son, or zombies. I've tried to kick Kakuzu out but since he's the only one who knows how to write a check and mail letters, we can't get rid of him."

Shikamaru, who was in the audience, turned to Chouji and whispered "Figures that all the Akatsuki are mentally retarded." Hidan heard that, and took out his scythe.

"Kid, you're fucking dead! I can't send letters because it's against my religion to lick envelopes!"

"They have the kind that don't require licking now, asswipe," Shikamaru yelled, standing up.

"Time, Hidan," Kakuzu warned, and Hidan swore under his breath.

"I am not a sadist, a masochist, or a combination of the two. I don't use my blood curse to give or receive sexual pleasure (Kakuzu laughed here) and that goes for my weapons as well. I'm not that kinky, you perverted fangirls!"

He pointed at Shikamaru, who was still standing.

"Though I won't hesitate to shove my pike up your tight ass!"

"…you done?" Kakuzu growled.

"Jashin fucking damn it fine!" Hidan snapped, stomping off stage and thrusting the mike in Kakuzu's face. He caught it before it smashed into his teeth with threads slipping out of his mouth.

"This'll only take a moment. Hidan, go wait in the car."

"Fuck no, it's hot out there, and your piece of shit car doesn't have any AC!"

"Then shut the hell up. Interrupt me even once, and I promise you, I will make you a liar."

"What the fuck are you talking about, Stitches?"

Kakuzu simply smiled evilly as he walked out under the stage lights.


End file.
